The Grief Club

Well I don’t even know how to begin but here I am! It’s currently 3am and I am sitting here by the light of my phone screen my brain racing with thoughts I have tried to ignore all day. Thoughts on life, loss, grief and everything in between.

I lost mum 4 months ago and life has just not been the same, how can it be? Everything changed the day she died and now I’m swimming in the sea of grief. Somedays I swim. Others I float, and some days I drown. It’s a tuff journey this grief thing nothing you do or know or read or understand can really prepare you for what it will be like.

You think you know, you think you are prepared but you are not! Loss is such a huge blow and grief is a a difficult and strange journey. It can be so isolating and you feel so alone but you are not. You are now in a club, the club that no one wanted to join, the club no one wants to talk about (it’s not fight club) it’s the grief club.

So I have decided to start talking about it, I have decided to go public with my grief! Share my story in the hopes that it helps others with theirs. Everyone’s grief is valid and worthy to be recognised. You don’t have to carry this alone. You can join the club, be apart of the community and let’s navigate this grief journey together.

Are you in?

Helping Mum

Everybody loves their mum. Everybody wants to see their mum healthy, happy and free. Unfortunately life happens and things change.

My mum has always been someone who you didn’t need to worry about. She was strong and independent and in charge. She managed everything and never complained about anything. She was always cheerful and happy and gave everything of herself to those she loved and cared for. Even to strangers, she gave what she had.

She taught me how to be a woman of God, who serves and loves and gives whatever she has to others in need. She was fearless and brave, she traveled to distant places on her own and fit right in. She managed teams and organized her life and work to the highest standard.

At home, she was there whenever I needed her. She balanced work and life well and I never lacked her attention, love or care.

Five years ago, everything changed. We started to see her become forgetful, loose track of things that would normally not be a problem. She was fraying and we all knew something was happening, we just didn’t know what.

When we got the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s/Dementia we were shocked. How could it be that mum, my mum who was so sharp and organized was losing her mind. As I have watched her progress down this journey, she has done it with such grace and poise. Her usual fearlessness and bravery has shone through. I have been amazed at her willingness to fight this disease. But it is getting harder for her to hold on now. Every day we lose another part of her. Everyday I see one of her characteristics slip away. It is heartbreaking!

It is never easy asking for help. Mum especially hated to do it. She would never tell you when she was struggling, she would just figure out a way to make it work. So now as she goes into the last phase of this disease, we have stepped in and we are asking for help. We need to make sure that the last phase of this journey for mum, is a comfortable, easy one. She needs to be in the best care and she needs to be with her family. Scotland is the place that we have found will facilitate that. However it is not only about mum, Dad needs a life too. Dad has stood by Mum’s side the whole time. As he faces a life without her by his side, he needs to find the place that he can go through that transition. Scotland is that place.

It makes sense that my parents would do something like this, make such a huge move in such a strange time of their life. Most people would think it was crazy moving someone with last stage Alzheimer’s/Dementia across the world. If you knew my parents, you would understand why this makes sense for them. At the end of the day, they both need to be happy in this last stage of their journey together. It makes sense that somewhere like Scotland, would make them happy.

If this story has touched you in any way, you have identified with my mum and dad or have experienced the loss of a parent/grandparent/relative to Alzheimer’s/Dementia then please go and have a look at the gofundmepage we have set up. Share it, Donate towards it and join us  on our campaign to fund my Mother’s last journey, her last adventure. Help my parents find their final happy place to see the rest of their life together.

https://www.gofundme.com/loretta-s-alzheimer-s-care

We need to raise $20,000 by the end of September to ensure a smooth transition and move to Scotland for my parents. If you can help in anyway please do. Every little bit helps.

 

A Stitch in Time

Well it has been some time since I wrote a blog post. I apologize! I could make up an excuse but there is no need for that. I just have not been very motivated to write these last few months, just been busy living.

However today I was inspired! Motivated and driven to write. I sat at my kitchen table with worship music on, a fresh cup of coffee, worship music on, a blank page in my journal and a ready heart to receive a download from my creator. The one who made me and knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I need, he knows what it takes and all I needed to do was show up and receive from him.

Of course, as he always does he showed up too and he gave me a vision, a metaphor to help me understand what he was doing in my life right now. However this metaphor, this idea was not one I was familiar with and so it made me laugh (which He also knows I need to do from time to time).

God showed me a knitting needle, filled with rows and rows of stitches. Tight, neat, perfect stitches meshing together the wool in long rows and rows of wool.

Now I am not a knitter, I tried to knit in my younger days for a little while but I never had the patience to finish or even follow the patterns to actually make something of use. However my grandmother was a knitter. She used to make all sorts of wonderful things from scarves and hats to baby clothes and toys. I remember sitting and watching her knit of a night time as she watched TV and I was in awe of her patience and speed as she threw those stitches together on that needle.

So as I reflected on knitting, I asked the lord what he was trying to tell me with this image. He explained, when the knitter creates something he has to establish a strong first few rows as the base to continue the rest of the item. Those first rows are crucial, they have to be tight and strong so that all the other stitches don’t fall off and have somewhere to bond to. He explained that my life is like a scarf that he is knitting. He has to create a strong base, the first rows have to be perfect in order for all the other rows to attach and bond to so the finished product can stand up to what it has been designed to be.

He also talked to me about patience (yes again!). It takes patience to knit, to create something from nothing. He said the knitter has seen the plan, they know what it is supposed to look like in the end and so they follow it waiting to see it take shape. However the onlooker they have not seen the plan, they only see rows and rows of stitches it looks like nothing for a long time, until finally it starts to take shape. He told me that I am like the onlooker looking at what He, the knitter is creating and not knowing what it is meant to be so thinking it is nothing.

It is not nothing, it is the beginning of something wonderful and it will be a beautifully elaborate piece of tapestry. Every stitch represents an experience, a lesson, a victory, a failure but all of it bonds together in my creators hands to make my life beautiful. So even though I can not see the shape it is taking just yet, I trust the one who has seen the plans. Knows the outcome and is working patiently and diligently to create that strong base where everything else will attach itself to.

Who would have thought, you could glean so much comfort from knitting? Maybe I should try to take it up again, or maybe I should just leave that up to God! 🙂

Taking the time to smell the flowers

It is the first day of spring! I am feeling inspired and excited for a new season. As the seasons and change and we move from winter to spring I am reminded that now is the time to bloom and grow. To flower into who we are meant to be but have been dormant, hibernating in the winter.

I feel like that is a very accurate description of my life. Since coming back from Cambodia in December I feel like I have been in a bit of a winter hibernation. Dormant, sleeping, waiting for my time to shine.

Now it is spring, the sun is out and the weather is getting warmer. It is time for me to arise, wake up and start to bloom. I plan to do that with gratitude and a new wonder fro the life that I have been blessed with. I want to move into my new season with eyes wide open, making sure I take the time to enjoy every moment. Taking the time to literally smell the flowers!

Happy Spring everyone! Take some time today to smell the flowers and enjoy the moments.

Life is a Beach

Lately I have been spending a lot of time at the Beach. I love the beach. It is such a vibrant yet relaxing place. A lot of things can happen on the beach; people swim, kids play, couples walk, women exercise and men surf. The beach is a varied landscape of life. However the beach can also be relaxing, sitting there watching those waves roll in and out, listening to the rush of the ocean, feeling that sand beneath your feet, breathing that fresh sea breeze. Can’t you just picture yourself there now? sitting on your favourite beach somewhere in the world, just sitting back and watching the world go by the wind in your hair and the smell of the sea in your nostrils maybe watching a sea gull dive for food or a surfer ride that big wave way out there in the distance.

For me, I often go to the beach to meet with God. It is the one place on this earth that I find him the quickest. It is almost like as soon as I step onto that sand he is right there with me walking and talking and his presence just seems more tangible at the beach for some reason. Maybe it’s because that’s the place I am the most relaxed. That’s the place where I feel the most at ease in all the world.

In this period of my life, when I am neither here nor there. I am finding a whole new metaphor for the beach. I am finding more meaning in the going and coming of the tide. A new appreciation for the well worn sand. I sense of understanding of the comings and the goings of the people visiting.

God spoke to me early one morning on that beach and reminded me that just like the beach, despite all the ebbs and flows of the water, despite the comings and goings of the sand, despite all activity that happens on that beach. Every day the beach is the same. Every morning the beach is still there. The water and the sand remains. God is the same. In all the instability, change and activity of our lives God remains the same. He is like that beach always there. Always the same.

Hebrews 13:8

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever”

Isaiah 40:8

“The grass withers, the flowers fades, but the word of our God stands forever”

So if your life is like a beach; sand getting swept away and being put back, the tides coming in and out, people walking on and off. If your life seems to be filled with changes or instability remember one thing. Every morning that beach is still there. Despite all the things in endures the beach remains. God is our beach. He is the one stable and true thing in our life. He is a steadfast God and he is the same yesterday, today and forever more. Stand on his word because it never fades away. It is the rock that we base our lives upon.

Also remember to enjoy your day at the beach!

 

Home is Where?

We all know the sayings: Home is where the heart is, Home Sweet Home, There is no place like Home, Love makes a house a Home etc etc.

However when you are a traveler Home becomes a bit of an elusive concept. Home is where you make it (another cliche saying). Home, becomes wherever you are and whoever you are with. Home becomes a fluid, ever changing, thing that almost goes with you as you explore, discover and fall in love with each new place you happen to be in. Obviously some places you feel more “at home”, than others but you find a way to make yourself belong there.

The original place of your birth, the original home that you belonged to becomes further and further away.  So when it comes time to go back, it is more difficult than you would think to re-settle and feel at home again.

Why is that?

There could be a number of reasons; you may not be living in the original family home, your friends and family may have moved on, circumstances have changed. There are so many reasons you could chalk it up to but the main thing to remember is you have also changed. You are not the same person you were when you lived there. You have seen the world, met new people, changed your perspective on certain things and most of all had experiences that makes you different to who you were before.

It’s like a tree; once it grows from a seedling, in that small little black plastic bucket you buy it in. You can never put it back into that small plastic bucket. No! It needs a planter, and eventually it will grow out of that and it will need a garden bed. Depending on what tree it is, it may even need a full garden, to spread those roots and become the tree it is meant to be.

The point is, as humans we are always growing and developing. It is human nature. As a traveler that process is speed up and you grow much more than the average person who stays in their little garden. Now your roots spread across oceans and continents and cultures. You will need a much bigger space to replant yourself when you do come back “home”.

So, if like me, you are in the process of trying to re-settle somewhere you once were. Remember! you have grown since you were last here. You will not fit back into your plastic bucket, into the space you used to live. You need a bigger plot of land to spread your roots and be the tree you are meant to be. You now carry with you the experiences, the places and the people you met on your travels and they are now apart of who you are which makes you bigger than you were before. Think big! Think wide and far and look at what else you can soak up from where you are now.

Enjoy the process, it’s another experience you get to learn from. Soak it in and make it apart of you.

How to deal with the in between periods of life

So sometimes in your life you feel like you are stuck in an in between period. A period where something is ending, but not yet ended. You are almost at the beginning of a new season, but it has not started yet. Yeah those times suck!

That’s where I am right now. I am getting ready to leave Cambodia. I am ending a chapter of my life, that has been wild and crazy and consumed 3 years of my life. I am preparing to move back to Australia, start a new chapter of my life. I will be returning to the western world, getting a full time job and becoming an Australian again. However I am not yet finished in Cambodia. I still have 3 weeks to go and I am 3 weeks away from being in Australia. So what do I do for 3 weeks? How do I survive this in between period?

So here are 3 things I am doing which seem to be helping me.

1.Remain Present

It is important to stay in this moment. Savour the moment. It does not help thinking about the future all the time. Even though there may be some exciting things ahead. Focusing on those will just make you frustrated that you are not there yet and make you wish this period away. As hard as it may be there are still moments to enjoy in this period so be here, remember you are never going to get this time back again so enjoy it while you can.

2.Reflect on the achievements

Think back at all the things you have been able to accomplish or achieve in this period. Try to look at the good things and remember just how far you have come since you started this season of your life. Be proud of your accomplishments and acknowledge what you have learned and how you have changed.

3.Be Grateful

Be grateful for the little things you have. Try and think of all the things you can be thankful for in your life. Understand that though you may not be where you want to be right now, you are one step closer. Recognize what you have in your life and give thanks for that because there is always something to be grateful for in your life.

So those are my 3 tips to help you when you are in an in between period of your life. When you are stuck at a red light waiting for the green. These periods can be useful and you can take them as times to reflect and be thankful for everything you have done and everything you will do in the future.

Enjoy the waiting!

Who Am I?

Recently I have been thinking a lot about who I am. Sometimes in life you forget that you are multi dimensional and can be trapped in only one aspect of your personality. I have been trying to include some of the other parts of myself into my writing and it has brought up the age old question… WHO AM I?

You think you have answered that question, especially by the time you are 30 years old. But I don’t think I have. I think that question will always be valid because I am always changing and growing and so my personality continues to change and grow with me so therefore it is valid to ask that question to yourself again and again and see what comes up.

I think it is important for all of us to constantly reevaluate who we are. It is important to evaluate yourself and who you are in order to truly understand your life and where you are and where you want to head to.

When you set goals for your life, when you have dreams and aspirations, self evaluation and knowledge is such a key to achieving those things.

If you want to know what it is you are going to do with your life, you first need to know who you are.

So ask yourself today, who am I?

You might be surprised with what answers come up, I bet there are a few new things in there since you last asked yourself that question.